The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage

First of all, I love the simplicity of the cover with it’s mirror reflecting the voice of the book.  My son said they ought to make it silver or something, and I totally get what he’s saying.

Upon opening, it immediately confirmed my spirit.  If I am looking for a miracle, I must change.  That’s why I am here.  I am in this place to change ME.

It really is that simple.  God never points out something within someone else’s life without directing us to change our own.

Another thing that stood out to me–as Michael Smalley pointed out through a story about his mom—was how we have to take responsibility for our own responses and not take on another’s issues–we must return them. (ch 2 p 18)

Add to that this awesome quote from Amy Smalley, and you’ve got a healthy recipe for repentance.  (At least in my case, as these words mimic me all too well.)

“By focusing on Michael’s brokenness, I put him down with blame and elevated myself with pride.” (ch 3 p 21)

Wait, now I have to reevaluate my view of defensiveness?

“Defensiveness is a person’s attempt to resolve a problem through arguing, explaining away, or being combative.” (ch 4 p 28)

You mean, it’s not really defending myself when I don’t need to?

“Discussing the facts only causes defensiveness in the person we’re arguing with.” (ch 4 p 28)

One of the good things about this book is,  it is complete with a study guide to walk you through the process.

Chapter 5 and forward switch focus from recognizing your need for change to steps in replacing negative patterns for positive ones by explaining different ways to respond to your spouse. (ch 4 p 33)

“As a spouse, you can be a great cheerleader.  Just remember not to be the coach.”—Michael Smalley (ch 6 p 47)

I think I’ll opt for some pom-poms; I was never any good at sports in the first place.

Moving on to chapter 8, they really start stepping on my toes when they tell me to forget the facts through this quote: “If you want a happy marriage, part of the surprising solution is to get off the facts and onto what really matters in the conflict.  This takes a lot of personal maturity; it’s much easier to argue with your spouse about details than it is to listen and try to understand his or her point of view.” (p 57)

Whether speaking of validation, taking a time-out, learning how to ask clarifying questions, or even asking the Trillion-dollar Question; you learn they all pattern after humility. (ch 9-12)

“…It’s not a feeling; it’s a choice.” (ch 12 p 89) Yes, it sounds an awful like the ‘action’ of love to me.  This next quote speaks volumes with simple words: “Whatever is bringing your marriage down does not have to last forever.  There are seasons in marriage when things feel worse.  But they’re seasons.” (chapter 13 p 98)

“When we acknowledge our own sinfulness, we’re not degrading ourselves.  We’re merely admitting our faults.  When we fully identify with the person starring back at us in the mirror, we confess to our own flaws.  This can affect our marriage and happiness, because we suddenly become more, humble, patient, and understanding.” (ch 14 p 101)

This makes me think of this mirror I have which my sister Rena calls ‘the devil mirror’… ha!  Why?  Because it magnifies, showing all your flaws.  What woman wants to sit in church checking out her lipstick and notice those flaws she could not see in dim light?  Further, who wants others to notice such things?

We would much rather correct these things on our own, in the absence of others, right?  This, being true spiritually, cannot discount a personal relationship with Jesus—who is the only one who can turn our flaws into beauty.

“True love stories have depth which can only be summoned through overcoming obstacles.  To overcome is love; to rise above is love; to fall down and get back up is love; to die for each other is love.” (ch 15 p 105)

Okay, that’s my favorite quote.

“Personal responsibility is the path to creating the best environment for your marriage to succeed.” (ch 15 p 114)

“When you put your hope in God, you will find hope; when you trust in Him, you will find trust.” (Amy Smalley ch 16 p 117)

Amen.

“What if your taking personal responsibility encourages him or her to make a change?  What then?” (ch 17 p 123)

What if you read this review and actually decide to purchase this book?  What if it really helps?  Wouldn’t you want to, at least, try?

Finally, the book closes with some scenarios that you might find helpful, but this is where I suggest you may want to read the epilogue.  Don’t skip what may provide further encouragement.

*This review is on behalf of  Tyndale House Publishers who provided a complimentary copy of this book.